The benefits of making foreign friends are obvious–from unlocking a wealth of free English tutor resources, to furthering China’s friendly image abroad, to finally nabbing that coveted green card. We know that a lot of Chinese find it difficult, though, to make friends with these strange big-nosed beings that walk among us. That’s why Shameless is proud to share following fool-proof tips for making foreign friends–follow these eight simple steps and you’ll be swimming in them in no time.
1. Ask about their salary
It’s important to show your new foreign friends how much you care about them, and there’s no better way to get intimate than by getting to know their financial situation. You should also be sure to ask if they are married, and check with them about their marriage status every subsequent two weeks. If they are single, make sure you keep asking why they are not married.
2. Offer them chicken feet
We all know that foreigners love food that is fresh and organic. Offer them chicken feet and they’ll have no doubt that the dish in front of them was recently hacked off a living, organic creature. Fish heads, duck blood and pig intestines are also highly recommended.
3. Make frank observations about their physical appearance
Everyone likes to feel special and receive attention from others. Don’t be shy to show your curiosity, and just stare at your foreign friends, and comment on their skin color or body size all the time. Don’t forget to acknowledge the size of their penis–this is always appreciated.
4. Lecture them about Chinese history
Sharing knowledge is one of the Chinese people’s best virtues. We recommend this fool-proof conversation starter with any new foreigner you meet: “Did you know that China has a history of over 5,000 years?” Try not to remind them of how shallow their own culture is by comparisons, though. It’s true but it’s harsh for them.
5. Introduce them to Chinese medicine
You get double credit for showing your concern for your new friends when they are sick. Serve them hot water, Turtle Jelly, and brief them about 上火, 经络 and 气血. Also remember to poke them at their pain points, and prevent them from eating spicy food or drinking alcohol if they so much as sneeze.
6. Provide them the chance to sing in public
Foreigners are so much more outgoing that we shy Chinese, and they love to show off their talents. Bring them to KTV with a bunch of strangers, push them onto the stage of your company 年会, and force them to sing My Heart Will Go On and Yesterday Once More.
7. Constantly test their Chinese competency
Nobody wants to be left out of a conversation. Constantly ask your foreigner friend three questions: “Do you understand what I am saying? Do you understand what he is saying? Do you understand what it is saying? Be sure to speak to them speak slowly and gently, as if they are in kindergarten.
8. Celebrate their tiniest achievements
Unlike the humble Chinese, foreigners count on the praise of others to survive. Be sure to acknowledge every tiny achievement, such as using chopsticks with one hand, being able to order food, and greeting neighbors with Ni Hao. Don’t be afraid to go over the top: if your foreign friend uses a chengyu in conversation, throw them a party to celebrate. They fucking love that shit.