We’ve all been there…
1. Ignore your academic achievements
With iron fists and relentless discipline, Chinese parents crank out top students with totalitarian precision. No matter what achievements you make in study, they will just take it for granted and never acknowledge your hard work or accomplishments. Western parents will throw a party for their kid’s kindergarten graduation. A Chinese teenager counts himself lucky of he scores only a 99 in a math test and still escapes a beating.
2. Hate on your career choice
If you are Chinese working as a doctor, a professor, or an administrator in the government, you are in the safe zone. But if you are a freelance designer, a PR professional, or an Internet entrepreneur, prepare for a lifetime of ridicule. That’s not to say that Chinese parents have no appreciation for art or culture. They’d be perfectly happy if you wind up as a world famous pianist, chess player, or calligrapher–but only if you hit world famous.
3. Double standard your dating
He only wants to fuck you and she only wants your money–typical advice that Chinese parents tell their high-school age kids when they first begin looking for love. But once the kids make it to college, Chinese parents do a 180 and want them to get married ASAP. They want to turn their dorky son into Mr. Charming and turn their girl next door into a slut overnight. Chinese college kids, don’t be surprised if your parents give you dating tips taken straight from Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. If somehow you make it out of college and are still single, your Chinese parents will ramp up the effort to shamelessly get you hitched–even when everyone else out there does just want to fuck you or take your money.
4. Obsessed with making comparisons
Here comes the world’s most powerful NPC – someone else’s kids. They nail SATs, crush it at law school, date beautiful yet thoughtful doctors, raise adorable twins, and live happily ever after. Nobody has met these mysterious figures as they exist only in Chinese parents’ imaginations–but they will keep haunt you until the day you die. And then your cemetery won’t be as good as theirs.
5. Over-react on I-love-you
Western kids often end every phone call to their parents with “love you.” If you try that with Chinese parents, though, they will immediately freak out, assuming that you’re either about to ask them for money or that you’ve just been diagnosed with cancer. Chinese parents show their love in weird ways; Chinese children aren’t really any better, though. Check your Wechat Moments feed during Mother’s or Father’s day: you’ll see your Chinese friends sharing thousands of loving posts, but their parents, who their kids block on Wechat, can’t see any of them.