Scientists have recently identified two mysterious new species of the bitch family. They share similar characteristics but have adapted to their different environments. These mysterious creatures annoy and confuse Americans and Chinese alike–but we must understand these bizarre animals if we are to eradicate them. Today we offer you a scientific overview on the behavior of the American Basic Bitch and the Green Tea Bitch of China.
The Basic Bitch
The Basic Bitch is easily identified by her shameless love for whatever is typical or trendy at the moment. Just look for a complete lack of personality and you will know you have a pure specimen on your hands.
The Green Tea Bitch
The Green Tea Bitch is a little harder to identify because on the outside she appears innocent and pure; but this clever camouflage hides a readiness to sell her soul for anything she wants.
The basic bitch is easily spotted by her thick coating in mainstream brands. They roam the jungle in Uggs boots and display their excessively ripped jeans like mating plumage. A basic bitch predator will frequently gorge herself at the nearest Forever 21 store.
The green tea bitch, on the other hand, has a more consistent look – they usually have long straight black hair and wear long white dresses all year round. It’s reasonable for them to picture themselves as fairies, angels, or goddesses, but at night they look like that girl from The Ring.
Basic bitches live a communal existence, spending most of the day watching reality tv together, talking to one another about the latest episode of reality tv over yoga, and tweeting about reality tv to each other on social media.
The green tea bitch is more of a solitary animal. Their female friends change periodically, and mainly serve the purpose of standing next to the green tea bitch in photos and making her look prettier. She only communicates with her friends to tell them how skinny they are, to trick her friend into eating enough to look fatter than her.
The basic bitch is basically the prey of anything else in the food chain. Just order her a cranberry vodka, claim your favorite movie is The Notebook, and send them “Keep Calm and Carry On” stickers, and she’ll be on her knees.
Batting her puppy dog eyes, telling you how stupid and naive she is – that’s how green tea bitches lock down on their target and move in for the kill. Just when the prey jumps out to protect her, she cuts his throat and leaves. Green tea bitches are trophy collectors – they don’t hunt for food, but purely for sport.
Basic bitches get all of their dating advices and sex tips from Cosmo, so that kinda explains why they suck in bed. They think 50 Shades of Grey is so hot, they buy Victoria’s Secret underwear on sale, and they’ve always wanted to try a threesome in Vegas but never have the balls. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but oops, nothing happened for this bitch.
Green tea bitches organize their male pursuers by functionality – A is for buying her dinner, B is for carrying heavy furniture, C is for chatting on sleepless nights, but I’m sorry, none of them are for fucking. Green tea bitches are too noble to have sex. Many scientists believe they reproduce by vegetative propagation.