Loyal readers will remember my series of helpful tips for Chinese people on how to make friends with foreigners. However, a good relationship requires efforts from both sides. Foreign friends, rejoice at this scientific guide book on how to blend into the Orient. Your new Chinese friends won’t even notice your pearly white skin.
1. Give them all your math homework
Chinese people are famous for their math prowess. Throw out that calculator and pass all of your math homework their way. Answering math questions is the best way to make Chinese feel smart and special. When splitting a bill with them, give them the chance to show off. Calculating average cost is too easy, and your new Chinese friends may think you are looking down at them – ask for a weighted average or the standard deviation of bill items to give them an extra boost.
2. Let them teach you Ping Pong
Every Chinese person is born with a natural love of ping pong, which is why the country always wins gold at the Olympics. Don’t believe your Chinese friends who say they don’t know how to play, as we all know how modest they can be all the time. Every Chinese person is secretly an undercover Ping Pong champion, if they deny it then they are obviously just protecting your feelings.
3. Lavishly praise their English
Hear a Chinese person speaking English? You just hit the jackpot! Since it’s impossible for normal Chinese to learn proper English in school, anyone you met who does speak well must be extremely rich or have parents with some mad Guanxi to get them exposed to Western world. Don’t hide your surprise, be sure to make them tell you the whole story of how they learned it, which undoubtedly involves limos, champagne and hot chicks. But don’t forget to speak really s-l-o-w-l-y with them just in case you use some fancy words they don’t know.
4. Give helpful advice on their government
The humble Chinese love to learn from others, especially when it comes to politics. The ancient Chinese tradition of accepting unsolicited political advice can be traced back to the Qing Dynasty, who learned a lot from its European friends. Your Chinese friends are dying to learn how you would fix the air pollution problem and solve the relationship with Taiwan. Remember that you can see things much more clearly as an outsider and help broaden your Chinese friends’ view of the world outside the great firewall.
5. Introduce them to American TV
When you are enjoying all the hot action on NBC, your Chinese friends aren’t even allowed to see cleavage on CCTV. As a cultural ambassador, it’s your duty to introduce the outside world to your poor Chinese pals. Tell them how much Friends has taught you about life, and how funny The Big Bang Theory is. Translate the lines episode by episode, and take your time explaining the western jokes, just in case they can’t understand.
6. Compliment their beautiful women
We all know Chinese people care so much about “face,” and telling them how much you want to fuck their women is the best way to make them feel proud of their country. Chinese people are always so flattered to hear about white guys who can only get it up for a Chinese girl. They consider it their patriotic duty to help the poor victims of yellow fever. Of course we all know that Chinese girls are shy, so you’ll have to be extra forward to coax them out on a date with you.