How to Get Laid in the Best University in China

Just like beer-soaked Americans at their first frat party, Chinese 18-year-olds are bursting with hormones from the moment they set foot on campus and eager to get laid. Through rigorous observation and elaborative analysis of the best university in China, I’ll generously provide this handy playbook for curious foreign readers, and horny young generation, to help figure out two ultimate dilemmas: HOW and WHERE to get laid at a Chinese college.

How?

Imagine a school filled with Sheldon Coopers, nobody here knows how to actually have sex. Technically they know that intercourse means putting a penis into a vagina, but will that help turn girls on? You must be kidding.

 

Sex is way too easy in Western colleges: you go to a random party, pick a girl as drunk as you, then here you go. But in China, where random hookups are rare, you need one of the three approaches to get some:

 

1. Score a 3.8+ GPA / Publish papers with high impact factor

People here admire those with extremely high IQs, and good grades and influential papers are the keys to sexual power. When a girl approaches you for some math equations, it’s actually an offer to lie tangent to her curves.
Speed: ★☆☆☆☆
Effectiveness: ★★★★★
Difficulty: ★★☆☆☆

 

2. Become Chairman of a Student Union/ Party Branch

If you lose the battle of IQ, you can still beat through in EQ. Chinese college students play politics in SU or Party Branch, and overwhelming power will get you into those panties in no time.
Speed: ★★☆☆☆
Effectiveness: ★★★★★
Difficulty: ★★★☆☆

 

3. Make yourself look smart (Yes, not hot, but SMART)

Appearance still matters in Chinese campuses, the standards are just different. To a Chinese college girl, too much muscle makes you look stupid; stubble makes you look uncivilized; and well-dressed will come off as gay. Your best bet is the asexual Korean actor look (the kind who doesn’t actually know how to act).
Speed: ★★★★☆
Effectiveness: ★★★☆☆
Difficulty: ★★★★☆

 

Where?

Chinese college dorms are made for four to eight people, which means you don’t get much alone time–not to mention the guard downstairs who will question you like FBI if you walk in with a girl.

 

Booking a hotel is of course an option, but Shameless believes that even the poor have the right to good sex. Here are the top 3 locations for poor students to enjoy what they’ve been missing for 18 years:

 

1. Into the Woods

Field sex is a favorite of Chinese college students and is perfect for letting loose their boundless, pent-up surging desire. Besides condoms and candles, I also highly suggest your packing list include bug spray and PM2.5 masks.
Safety: ★★★★☆
Excitement:★★★★★
Cost:★☆☆☆☆

 

2. Music Practice Room

Borrow, duplicate or steal the key of a small violin practice room. Small but highly soundproof, you’ll have a perfect excuse to try out standing doggy style.
Safety: ★★★★★
Excitement:★★★★☆
Cost:★☆☆☆☆

 

3. Midnight Laboratory

The science labs, bustling by day, are perfect for a late-night rendezvous. Try out different departments to see what setting you find the most stimulating: rows of computer banks in a CS lab, or bloody skulls in a medical lab? Be warned, though, that may labs are video monitored: are you into sex tapes?
Safety: ★★☆☆☆
Excitement:★★★☆☆
Cost:★★☆☆☆

 

LOSERS LOOK HERE

What if you are not smart, not good with politics, and look nothing like a K-POP star? Don’t worry. Shameless’ one and only principle is to teach you how to live with your shamelessness. Here I offer the ultimate HOW to help you get laid–

 

Find someone exactly the same loser as you, and entitle it as TRUE LOVE.

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