It is a rite of passage for every foreigner learning Chinese to have a Chinese name bestowed on them during their first week of language classes. Unfortunately, at that time they usually know absolutely nothing about the language, leaving them completely at the mercy of their Chinese teachers. The lucky ones may squeak by with a normal name, while the unlucky ones are doomed to ridicule every time they hand out a business card. Today let’s take a serious observation into the most frequently used Chinese names for foreigners, and (duh) make fun of them.
The Miserable Farmers
Names with these characters are directly stolen from the Great Leap. Headed to harvest some corn? Selling your potatoes at the market? Get ripped off by 城管 recently? Then this is the right name for you. No matter how successful you become, how stylishly you dress or how many Master’s degrees you collect, with a name like this you’ll always sound like you should be out plowing a field.
The Big Egos
How awkward is it to use your name to imply how awesome, beautiful, or intelligent you are? Imagine a fresh-off-the-boat Chinese person going by the name Barack Obama or Marilyn Monroe. Even if by a slim chance you are awesome enough to live up to the name, still nobody will take you seriously.
The Female Migrant Workers
If you have a three-character name that includes one of these then you may manage to sound normal. But if your name has only two characters and includes one of these, you are completely fucked. LinkedIn may recommend you adding relevant house maid/baby sitting experience. Actually, you probably don’t even know what LinkedIn is.
To people who have one of these names…seriously? Usually a foreigner who is stuck with one of the two previous names (Migrant Worker or Big Ego) is a victim of a brainless teacher or Chinese friends with bad taste. The copycats, though, are more often arrogant enough to name themselves. They are trying so hard to stand out, but at the same time are lazy as fuck. If you encounter one of them, receive their business cards with two hands and compliment their names as much as you can, because this brand of stupidity cannot be saved.
OFC Some Chinese People’s English Names Suck Too
To Candy, Sweetie and Lollipop: Too busy with your prostitution business? How about you make an appointment with your dentist?
To Blue, Green and Red: I seriously think buying your underwear in that color is enough to show your affection.
To Sunny, Windy and Snowy: I promise to punch you if your weather prediction goes wrong.
To April, June and July: Are you traumatized that nobody remembers your birthday?
And to girls named Easy, and guys named Strong:……Please just kill me.