How to Survive a Breakup

Love, love, love- the source of our greatest happiness, and the most bullshit. No matter how you slice it, breakups suck balls. We all go through different stages when we deal with a breakup – denial, anger, acceptance, etc – now Shameless is pleased to offer these fool-proof tips and strategies for making it through each shitty phase.

Phase I: Win that person back

For the first couple of days after the breakup, you’ll still want that person back. Even if they’re an asshole, you’ll find thousands of excuses to exonerate them. “I know his dick is soft, but so is his heart.” You know, shit like that. But it’s ok. Let’s try to win that asshole back.

 

I’ve got a fool-proof tip for wining your ex back – get a tattoo with his/her name. What’s more romantic than having that person’s name on your skin, permanently? He/she will be moved to tears, guaranteed. Even if it doesn’t work out perfectly, I am sure you will still feel happy and grateful years later when you have this permanent reminder of the good times past.

 

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Phase II: Create the perfect ending

Research shows that good closure accelerates the process of getting over a breakup. It gives you an opportunity to look back on the relationship, remember the good times and learn from your mistakes. But what makes a perfect ending?

 

You want something intimate, but not cheesy; something meaningful, but not sentimental. We recommend anal – the perfect combination of intimate and adventurous. Been meaning to try out S&M? Here’s your last chance to test out those whips and chains. You might as well go big for your last time, since you probably won’t be getting laid again any time soon.

 

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Phase III: Focus on self-improvement

Now you’ve got an awesome tattoo and recovered from your night of raunchy breakup sex. Time to focus on yourself and become a better person. You’ll help yourself get over the person faster if you break out of your old routine and start something different, like a new hobby.

 

During the worst time of your breakup, you probably downloaded some apps like Tinder and tried to forget that person by fucking around. Not a good idea, my friend. That not only won’t make you feel better, is also your fastest ticket to herpes town. Here’s a fun new hobby to try, though. Swap out your Tinder profile photos to some bitch in a bikini drinking a cocktail from a straw, and see how many dick pics you get. You can even compete with your friends and see who builds the best dick pic collection.

 

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Phase IV: Start over again

As you gradually enrich your dick gallery, you’ll find your self-confidence coming back, which means you’re finally ready to start over. Remember how unique a person you are, and that no matter what that you deserve to be happy. Your life will be great as long as you don’t fuck up your next relationship too.

 

In order to avoid the same mistake in the future, you need way more than a different mindset. You need a different sexuality. By becoming gay, you’ll finally feel equal with your partner, and all of your past relationship problems can be solved. Plus now you can even get married earlier than your straight friends. And you don’t ever have to worry about kids, which we all know ruin everything.

 

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