Social media has become a ubiquitous part of modern human life. Unless you’re a total friendless loser, chances are you’ve posted meaningless crap on social media. Whether you like it or not, chances are you’ve had to deal with some assholes. No matter it’s WeChat or Facebook, chances are you know someone who fit all of these descriptions:
The Selfie Queen
Human beings appreciate beauty, but it doesn’t mean we wanna see the same face, same angle and same pose every single fucking day. It doesn’t matter what lipstick you’re wearing today, how many pimples are crowding your forehead, or how many hashtags you’ve put in the description – it is the SAME FACE. “Perfect weather today!” Your face. “Great dinner!” Your face. “Awesome movie!” A square cropped into 9 pieces but still your face. You know what goes with your face?
The Show-off Bastard
These assholes think they’re being subtle. They want to play a game where you have to gather little clues from their photos to get the real message. “Relaxing afternoon tea. Chilling with friends.” Sounds so normal, but you can’t fail to notice the LV logo on the purse in the corner, a location stamp for a five-star hotel, and a blurry landmark building in the far far background saying it is Paris. Are you chilling with friends, or money?
The Cheesy Couple
We’ve all walked by that couple on the street that just can’t keep their hands off each other in public. The only thing worse than non-stop PDA is when that shit keeps showing up on your Wechat feed. They’ve basically taken the annoying power of the selfie queen and doubled it. They bombard you with endless meaningless milestones in their relationship – the weekaversary, monthaversary, 100 day-aversary, 521 days, 1314 days…They are basically just informing the world on which nights they are having sex. Why not just be honest?
The Baby Owner
When the cheesy couple levels up to the baby owner, it’s game over. Everyday I log onto my moments, I feel I understand why China is so over-populated. Can the government modify the One Child Policy into One Photo of the Child Policy? I know it’s important for you to document in agonizing detail the first time your little creature does anything: the first smile, the first roll-over, the first booger, the first God-knows-what horrible noise. The rest of us could not care less. I’d rather see a mini-video of a cat shitting on a dog – who doesn’t love that crap?
The Non-stop Broadcaster
Most little girls stop keeping a diary after age 12, but we all have that one friend on social media who somehow missed the memo. Every time you check your Wechat you get an update – what they’re wearing, what they ate, when they take a shit. These people live in a dream world where someone has a crush on them and is desperately checking their every post – but the truth is more likely to be that all of their friends have already blocked them.
The Workout Freak
Some people work out for their health, some people work out to relieve stress, and some people work out to brag on social media. They’re always filling your feed with sweaty selfies paired with random inspiring quotes about life. Reading their posts you’d think they just rescued a sick orphan, but in fact they just put 5 pounds more on the bar. You’re are not fooling anyone – topping the daily step ranking list doesn’t add a penny to your empty bank account, and even with all those photos of your six-pack we know you’re ugly from the neck up.