5 Guys You Meet at a Chinese Club

Many Chinese have told me that night clubs are dirty places full of people who just want to have sex. My answer to them is always – YOU WISH. Somehow Chinese people have these weird misconception of clubs, and when they do step out to try it, things can get a bit awkward. Let’s meet 5 types of Chinese guys at a club!

The First Timer

The first timer is a virgin trying to make his first time perfect. They put on their best T-shirt and flip flops and arrive at the club at 9, but only end up standing alone awkwardly in the corner and stare at their phones. They usually stumble out at 1am with no girls and several hundred kuai wasted on fake alcohol, bitter and disillusioned. They’d rather stay at home watching 爸爸去哪儿 and eating spicy duck neck. Don’t worry buddy – the first time usually ends in disappointment.

 

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The Group Peeper

You know you’ve seen that group of guys hanging out in a corner doing nothing but staring at hot girls. Instead of being each other’s wingman, they just stand there, not dancing, not drinking, but just nodding their heads and fixing the popped collar on their polo shirts. “Yo this one is a nine!” “Woo check out those titties!” After a whole night of commenting, they go back home completely satisfied, like teenagers who just watched American Pie for the first time.

 

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The Champagne Popper

Look for the guy in the biggest booth in the club, usually just chilling like he’s sitting in his living room. Sometimes a loser will try to play rich and blow a month’s salary on a booth, but the difference between the real rich guy and the poser is easy to tell. When the hot girl delivers the champagne, the really rich guy won’t even look away from his phone, but the poser will jump up and yell as if China just won the World Cup.

 

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 The WeChat Pick-up Artist

Chinese guys rarely pick up girls, but when they do, it can get pretty weird. Instead of buying the girl a drink or try to dance with her, this guy has just one tactic- ask for the girl’s WeChat. He gets off by sending friend requests, and a list of contacts for him is a list of victory. He may creep out most girls, but it’s a number’s game after all – he can always snag one or two, but will be disappointed later on for sure when she tries to sell him fake face masks.

 

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Your Crazy Friend

We all have some Chinese guy friends like this – he is a normal human being outside of the club, but once he sees black lights he completely transforms. After a few drinks, he’ll start dancing on the stage, taking off his clothes, and humping random people. By the end of the evening he is inevitably in tears. The only thing you can do is to take out your phone, record whatever is happening, blackmail him for large sums of money later on, and swear to God you’d never take him out with you again.

 

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