You probably think this account is a joke and everything I write about is just bullshit. Today I am going to prove you wrong by shedding some light on an adult topic. Let’s talk about the first step of being an adult – wait, no! No sex this time, I’m trying to be serious here! Let’s talk about how to nail a job interview in China. Follow Shameless’s advice to nail these standard interview questions and you’ll be printing new business cards in no time.
Can you tell me about yourself?
We all know that this question is a chance to impress the interviewer, but this is harder to do in the the Chinese context, where bureaucracy rules everything and every kid growing up has been a president of something. It’s not about what you’ve done, but how many big titles you’ve collected. If you once organized a party for five people, introduce yourself as President of the Student Union; if you printed documents in your old office, then you are the Associate Executive Officer; can’t live without porn, announce yourself as the chairman/founder of National Online Streaming Media Association.
How are your interpersonal skills?
As long as you are not actually running National Online Streaming Media Association, you’ll need some interpersonal skills to be successful in a real job. You may be an excellent “people person,” but you need to demonstrate some other skills to get a job in China. Words speak louder than actions on this one – gulp down a bottle of baijiu in front of your client, then rock the hottest Internet song at KTV, and always attribute the achievements to your boss.
Why do you think you would suit this position?
A common mistake people would make answering this bullshit question is that you’ll try to demonstrate why you’re a good fit for the position. Most people walk into this question throwing out phrases like “unique competency,” “long-term career path,” “corporate vision” and “holistic synergies.” However, what a Chinese boss really cares is whether you will be a good puppy and take whatever stupid orders they give without question. So answer the question again? “Woof woof woof!”
What are your flaws or weaknesses?
Another lame question that you may be quite familiar with, but don’t even get me started with “my weakness is that sometimes I am a perfectionist” bullshit – as soon as you pull out that answer you are totally screwed. This will only make you seem arrogant in a country where modesty is the precious virtue. “Flaws? I have anger management issues, and I eat animals alive. I flash people on the subway and sometimes steal money from beggars. I don’t think I am qualified for the position, and please consider someone smarter and more talented than me.” – Interview passed.
What’s your expected salary package?
Finally you make your way to the end. Time to fight for your own benefits. The interviewer may try to attract you with a comprehensive package of bonus, paid leaves, and social insurance, but the only thing you should ask for is permanent residence. Screw everything else. Come on, who doesn’t want to stay in this amazing country forever?