How to Date a Foreigner

A lot of you have been asking for this, the fastest way to nabbing that green card, and now finally here it is – how to date a foreigner!

Master the Game of Texting

One of the core values in western culture is individualism, which means only losers will act like they are needy and desperate for a companion. To make sure you don’t fail at the starting line – remember NEVER text back immediately. If the other person replies in 2 hours, get back to them in 2 days. If they reply in 2 days, make it 2 months. The longer they wait, the more serious they take you. Who cares that it takes 30 years to set up the first date? At least by then you are both too old to cheat.

Watch out for the Friendzone

Unlike the Chinese dating approach, friend first then hook up, foreigners are unable to date someone who are already a friend. So do everything opposite as a friend to avoid this tragedy. An ideal situation would be you having no common interests with them, so you have nothing to talk about and then go straight for the home run on date one. Another effective approach would be acting like a total asshole or bitch – I promise they will be turned on.

Always be Straightforward

Reading between the lines is such an elegant Chinese social custom, but keep in mind that these hairy white monsters wouldn’t be able to handle that level of nuance. Always speak out loud when talking to your western date, with no metaphor, symbolism or implication. “Your hair is weird, your job is lame, your joke is stupid, but as long as we can still fuck – PEACE.” You only live once, better save some time.

Never Say the L Word

In the Chinese context, the L word may be the beginning of a relationship, but in the western way it’s probably the end. It destroys freedom, exposes their emotional vulnerabilities, and creates crying pooping babies. If you don’t want to risk scaring your foreign partner away, delete the word from your dictionary. Even when they go down on one knee proposing to you at the most romantic scene you could ever imagine, remember the one and only answer – Psht, who wants to settle down?!

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