What Your Tattoo Says About You

Do you think that people with tattoos are bitches, assholes, or gangsters? If your answer is yes, then my advice is to WAKE THE FUCK UP! It’s 2015! Also, do you judge people because of their tattoos? If your answer is yes yet again, let’s be besties because, hell yeah, your tattoos say a lot about you. Let’s take a look…

Tramp Stamps

Let’s be honest, what your tramp stamp tattoo says about you is pretty self-explanatory. However, besides the classic lower back, watch out for other tramp stamp proximity areas – around the boobs, on the inner thigh, or below the belly button. Does your tattoo include butterflies, dolphins, wings, a heart, or a heart with wings? If you hit any of these, then why don’t you just get a tattoo that says “I’m a whore” – at least then people will think you have a sense of humor.


Quotes/Lyrics Tattoos

Watch out – basic bitches approaching! We all know they love the “Keep Calm and Carry On” crap enough to think it’s a good idea to imprint that shit on their body. Of course it’s totally fine to live by some sort of life motto. But life mottos are kind of like dicks – you need to know you have it, but you don’t have to show it to everybody. What’s worse is we all know most basic bitches don’t really live by their mottos – they just think the motto will look cool in their Instagram/WeChat moment photos.


Natural Element Tattoos

If you run into someone with a tattoo of a tree, an owl, eyes, a feather, or some kind of Buddhist symbol, chances are that they are also into yoga, a vegetarian, and don’t have a full-time job. Prepare yourself for a real hipster ride, and don’t get lost in the conversation by trying to count how many times they’ve used the words “spiritual”, “Nietzsche,” “meta”, and/or “organic.” Just nod and smile as if you actually know (and care) what they’re talking about.


Foreign Language Tattoos

Shall I tell my Chinese-speaking grandma that her Tshirt with English says “I feel so Horny”? That’s exactly what happens to most of the Laowai out there trying to look cool by getting a Chinese tattoo. You may get away with it back in the U.S., but on the other side of the earth, the world’s largest population is ready to judge. I’m really impressed by your “勇敢”, and you are right that “宫爆鸡丁” is delicious. I’m pretty sure you don’t have any Chinese “朋友”, but since you say your life attitude is all about “马马虎虎”, then maybe it’s “无所谓”?


A Shitload of Other Tattoos

Full sleeve tattoos – the type of person who would smack you during sex and then cry like a baby.
Geometric tattoos – nerds who think they know art; or dumb artists who think they are smart.
Anchor tattoos – losers who like to dream big, but never actually leave their hometown.
Galaxy tattoos – “We are just tiny in this vast universe,” say these losers who are just avoiding their crushing life failures.
Star tattoos – the pussy who downgraded from the galaxy tattoo because he can’t bear the pain.
Celebrity name tattoos – people who are so naive that their purpose in life is defined by a rap song.
Infinity symbol tattoos – Let’s be real. Your current incarnation already sucks so you don’t want it last forever.
I think I could go on with this list for days, but I gotta leave for my tattoo appointment in an hour. Here’s a sweet little advertisement bomb below, and feel free to send me your tattoo pictures (and please…no more nudes).

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