10 Signs You Work for a Startup in China

The startup life can’t even handle me right now…

1.

You have “flexible working hours”- you have to be flexible enough to work 24 hours a day. Your company adopts “flat management” – everyone else in the office can be your boss. You earn a “competitive salary package” – you get stock options that will only be competitive 10 years from now.

 

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2.

Your HR promised an “open, bright, and modern space”, which turns out to be a big abandoned warehouse with crappy wooden tables, and green plants which always attract flies. Free coffee and beer somehow become a must-have, as if anybody has got time for that.

 

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3.

You know what “Internet+” and “O2O” mean. “O2O” is actually pretty simple – online to offline, offline to oral, oral to orgy, orgy to orgasm. You are also obsessed with taking out the first letters of some meaningless words, and put them together into another meaningless one.

 

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4.

Your business platform is totally “on the cloud”, which may only mean that your company owns a customized Gmail domain. You are constantly getting insights through “big data”, which in the real case you are just looking at an excel spreadsheet.

 

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5.

You have read or at least pretended you’ve read “Out of Control.” You’ve shared something like “Jack Ma’s Opinion on Blah blah blah” or “5 Advice from the Product Manager of Wechat” on your social media. You used to be a big fan of “Three Body Problem” until it became too mainstream and is thus no longer cool.

 

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6.

You hate being a nerd, but you act like you are proud of it. You wear shitty clothes but defend yourself in the name of “normcore”. You own lots of plaid shirts and black-framed glasses if you are a guy. Your company uses your photo shamelessly to recruit programmers if you are a girl.

 

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7.

You can’t get two sentences out of your mouth without using “agile”, “iterate”, “monetize”, and/or “prototype”. Also, you’re putting up with such a shitty salary because what you are doing is going to “make the world a better place”, and as soon as it launches, “it changes everything”.

 

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8.

You always introduce your company as “the Uber of _____”, or “the Airbnb of _____,” depending on whether your company has copied more of the business model, or the UI design.

 

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9.

You sneer at people who work in big companies as being boring corporate hacks…but secretly you’re jealous of their comfortable life. You brand yourself as a dream chaser, but are secretly saving up the “fuck you money”.

 

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10.

Eventually when you’re finally fed up with the startup shit show you start to look for new job opportunities. Of course the new resume will say you were the “Executive VP” or “Senior Managing Director” of some bullshit function, and you will tell the interviewer that it’s been an “awesome journey”.

 

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