Being in a relationship is awesome – you get free sex all the time. But there are a few of us that are in on a little secret. Being single is FUCKING awesome. Right? I mean, I know you’ve read all those COSMO articles about the joy and freedom of single-hood…so why does it still feel shitty? This week at Shameless we’ve decided to tackle the the myth head on and figure out if the single life is really all it’s cracked up to be.
Myth 1: You Save a Ton of Money
Indeed, maintaining a relationship is expensive – fancy dinners, meaningless gifts, an endless demand of lube, condoms, and handcuffs (No one besides me?). But let’s be honest, what are you gonna do with the money you save? Eat nice hot pot by yourself, watch a sunset on the beach by yourself, or enjoy a good movie in your big bed by yourself? Yeah. Sounds really fun. Not to mention how much you’ll end up shelling out on masturbation, prostitution, and medicines to STD treatment? Math, people.
Myth 2: You Can go to Parties and Meet Awesome People
Let me ask you this: how many times have you tried to dress up, go to a nice party, approach people and start a conversation? And among those times, how many times did you actually just end up getting rejected, drinking alone in the corner? Wake up! Romantic encounters are made for movies and for people who are beautiful both on the inside and out. Just “Netfix and chill” by yourself, at least no dicks will be in your mouth for sure.
Myth 3: Be Spontaneous. No Need to Report Your Status 24/7
“Where are you going?””Who are you with?””What are you gonna do there?””When are you gonna be back?” Stop lying – you miss all those questions. Now, even if you die, nobody will notice until your body starts to smell. “Being single is great! I can be spontaneous and do all crazy stuff!” Hmm, but didn’t you just end up using that free time to drink beer with your friends, who are already bored of you? And of course you are gonna post some sentimental quotes on social media, hashtag #enjoybeingalone #bethebetterme (#whoamikidding #lifeismiserable).
Myth 4: You get to Find the “Real You”
Partially true. Yes, you no longer need to please your significant other, impress their friends and family, or pretend you care about their life. Enjoy being true to yourself – no need to shave, or shower, or work out…until you can make braids with your beard and pubes, until you get so fat and gross that no one will even talk to you. Then you can definitely enjoy being true to yourself forever.
Myth 5: You Can Fart Anytime, Anywhere
Actually this one is pretty much bullet proof. Farting is vital to the health of human beings. I guess it’s still pretty cool to be single. Puffffffffff.