Halloween is over – you got pretty wasted, took a couple of drunk selfies, and woke up the next day with a headache, wondering what the hell happened. You may have set some unrealistic resolution for yourself, such as quit drinking, quit smoking, quit drug-abusing, but don’t take them too seriously – a bunch of other festivals are coming soon, and they make as little sense as Halloween.
It is still somehow a mystery why every single Chinese person now celebrates Christmas, but Christmas is here and has been well Chinesed: Girls want an expensive bag from their sugar daddy, cab drivers want to make a fortune with surge pricing, restaurants need an excuse to rip off customers – thank God we have Christmas! It’s the day that nobody gives a fuck about poor Jesus’ birthday and that we boost the GDP in every way possible. People used to wrap apples as gifts for each other, but today, wrap some Apple iPhone 6+.
Buddha Apparition Day
“Today is the birthday of Buddha – repost this golden fish (white snake, or 1000-year-old turtle) and you will be blessed!” Give me a break. If you see any of those weird animals above, please do everyone a favor by reporting to the local association for animal welfare instead of showing off your stupidity on our social media feeds. Oh, sorry mom, I wasn’t talking about you! Listen, I can explain… Ugh, fuck…
Weird Numbers Day
If you are new here, you probably aren’t aware of the weird numbers day. But, you’ll experience something weird on those days without knowing why. Condoms will run out of stock on April 19th because of 419, wedding invites are all over your desk on May 21st because of 521, and all of a sudden people start to talk about coding on October 24th because of 1024. You may be able to search for 419 or 521 online and find out why, but searching for 1024 leads you to a porn site. Shh…
If there’s anything that makes you feel pathetic about your #singlelife it’s a Chinese couple. China is the perfect place to drive commitment phobics nuts: There’s an endless number of Valentine’s Days throughout the year. There’s the original Valentine’s Day, the Chinese Valentine’s Day, your partner’s birthday, your one-month anniversary, your 100-day anniversary, your first-kiss anniversary and your breakup anniversary. Your girlfriend may not say anything at first if you forget one, but my bro, I promise I’ll make time to visit you the next Tomb Sweeping Festival.
Finally, there’s a real festival that single people can feel proud of themselves and throw big parties to celebrate their life. On November 11th, all the single people around the country will gather together, pop champagnes, share awesome stories of being single, and reinforce their great philosophy of the single life. But wait a second – why is everybody talking about online shopping? Oh thank you, Taobao!