First, let’s pretend that I have a girlfriend…
The Foodie Girlfriend
The foodie girlfriend is the most common type but also the most dangerous one. When you first start to date her, you may get tricked into believing that some street JianBing could really satisfy her – she loves authentic foods. But as time goes by, you’ll realize that her desire for “authentic” food is just a recipe that involves you getting in line at 5am for the so-called best durian cake in town. Eventually, she’ll eat you alive and use 5 different dipping sauces.
The Selfie Girlfriend
Having a selfie girlfriend means you are not the most important person in her life – her selfie stick comes first, followed by over 100 photo editing apps. Every date with her is about taking selfies together. The happy selfie, the sad selfie, the sexy selfie, the angry selfie… You feel like you could win an Oscar for best facial expression, but when you check on her social media, you’ll find your face covered with a poop emoji.
The Handbag Girlfriend
The handbag girlfriend is the best type of girlfriend – she’s simple, loyal and predictable. No useless roses, no bullshit candlelight dinners, and you don’t have to read her mind to pick a birthday gift, because all she wants are handbags. “Gucci? That’d be nice! LV? It sounds perfect! HERMES? Oh my god sweetheart, I like whatever you give me!” – Who said that she is picky and high maintenance? Plus, think how good you’ll look holding her bag.
The “Am I Fat?” Girlfriend
“Babe, do you think I look fat in this dress?” DO NOT ANSWER! DO NOT ANSWER! DO NOT ANSWER! No matter how smart your answer is, you’ll just get trapped in a meaningless, never-ending argument. Other variants of the trap include “Do you think I gained some weight lately?”, “Am I fatter than your ex girlfriend?”, and, “Do you think I’d look better if I lost 5 pounds?”. But, don’t blame girls for asking silly questions – think about what answer you wanna hear when you’re asking “Is my dick big”.
The Commitment Girlfriend
On the first date she said she loves you, on the third date she pulled out a ring, and on the fifth date she discussed how she’d name your kids. You hand over all your whole paycheck, put all your properties under her name, and meet all of her family members, dead or alive. Things work out so well for you and her, but there’s just one question in the back of your mind – “When will I finally be able to sleep with her?”