How to Stalk Your Date on the Internet

Modern technology has reshaped the rules of dating. You used to go to a bar and ask for a girl’s number, but now she may have already turned you down on two apps before you walk in the door. Internet dating as we all know is miserable but we like to pretend it sounds exciting, after all you could be at risk of dating a serial killer, and what’s not to love about that? Well, just in case, time to arm yourself up with some big data – let’s learn how to stalk your Internet date!

1. Decipher the Photo

When you start, all you know about them is glossed from a few overly-photoshopped pictures and a 140-character profile: “I like to travel. Looking for a soulmate that loves an adventure!” Well, hope you are not a worldwide sex offender! First thing, drop the profile picture into Google image search, and be ready to unveil this hottie. You’re lucky if you search a pic and get a Facebook page, but you are even luckier if you search a cropped dick pic and you get their real face and name.

 

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2. Trace the Name

If your first step returns with their Facebook page, you’ve won 50% of the battle. Time to Facebook the shit out of them – where they hang out, who their friends are, and most importantly, what their ex is like and when they broke up. Don’t get obsessed with all the nice angled selfies with perfect filters though, you’ll just build a mirage of a person they’ll never be. Instead, try to dig into the photos they are tagged in, where they got shit-faced and had friends draw penises on their cheek. Now try not to laugh when you actually meet them and they describe themselves as a “mature man”.

 

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3. Unlock the Gram

Now it’s time to take the Internet stalking to the next level. Once you get their name, you can explore a new wonderland – Instagram. They might look so cool on Facebook by posting unique opinions about global affairs, attending disruptive startup forums, or forwarding in-depth articles about feminism, but Instagram is the place to reveal their basic-ness. #OOTD in front of a red brick wall? Check. Sipping organic coffee in the city life background? Check. Legs sticking out of the bathtub covered by bubbles? Check, Check, Check. Also, why have they liked every single photo with pretty girls #twerking?

 

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4. Link the LinkedIn

After all the dramatic social media stalking, time to get a little bit serious and peep into their career path. It turns out that APAC GM Kevin Wong is just managing an APAC of 11-50, and the so-called 26 year old Linda Lee actually has over 15 years work experience. However, before you get mad and endorse them for lying, make sure you are in an incognito browser so you won’t show up on their Internet stalker list.

 

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Don’t feel guilty about stalking – just shut down your computer, and tomorrow you are still the happy, positive and enterprising you – no one will know.

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