Chinese New Year Survival Guide

Chinese New Year is coming, and you’re probably thinking about the delicious homemade food, relaxing afternoon naps, and great time with friends and family. Don’t let these illusions blind you, though. You are walking into the apocalypse, and no one is on your side.

The Two-Faced Parents

For the first two days at home you’ll be their sweet baby, and starting from the third day they want to throw you away. You wake up at 9 and they say you are lazy. You wear ripped jeans and they say you are dirty. You eat too little then you are not giving them “face”. You eat too much then they say you are fat and will be single forever. There’s no chance of winning to argue with your parents. The only advice that could possibly help is to just wait – wait until you become a parent and take revenge on your own kids.

 

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The Drama Queen Aunties

 “How much money do you make now?””Why are you still not married?””When are you buying a house in Beijing?” Boom boom boom – drama queen aunties just released a trifecta. “My son got the 2nd place in the final!” “My daughter married a government official!” “I am having a grandchild in a month!” Whoops – drama queen aunties unlocked the advanced attack – kid comparison, it’s a killer. It’d be stupid to take it head on, but you can out-flank by dropping another drama bomb:“My mama don’t like you and she likes everyone.”

 

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The CNY Friends

The CNY friends are those people who you are only friends with during Chinese New Year. However, they never come with good intention. “Hi how are you! Btw my wedding is next Monday.” Hand in ¥600. “How have you been? Oh right, it’s my baby’s 100-day ceremony tomorrow.” Hand in ¥800. “Long time no see! What a good timing that it’s my husband’s funeral today!” Hand in ¥1000. Are they the CNY friends, or CN¥ friends? The only way to get away from them is to go on the offense.  Spread the rumor that you are diagnosed with brain cancer and are looking for friends to borrow money from. It will make them disappear.

 

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The Annoying Kids

Eating up your favorite snack, drawing a penis on your expensive bag, and screaming at you for red pocket money – the annoying kids seem to be always high on ecstasy. Don’t even try to complain, otherwise they bring in the drama queen aunties to help:”He is just a kid! You are an adult! You are supposed to take care of him!” Well played, kids and aunties. The proper way to deal with annoying kids is to deal with them like the stupid hot girl at the party: you give them a lot of tasty alcohol and take them to bed – they won’t know a thing.

 

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Thanks for reading this article, and I hope you all have an amazing Chinese New Year holiday whether you are sipping cocktails by the beach, or playing MaJiang and chain smoking at home.

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