There’s an old saying: “Great films are always similar, but shitty films are each shitty in their own way.” This is especially true when it comes to the Oscars, just look at how white all the nominees are! It may take years of effort to produce an Oscar nomination, but I’ll let you in on a secret, it only takes four steps. Let’s take a look at the Shameless guide to making an Oscar winner!
1 Discuss Racism and Sexuality
If you look at the nominees this year, you’ll notice that topics about gays, lesbians, transgenders, and black people are a hit. In fact, these movies are so popular that no one cares about straight white couples anymore. If you want a movie to stand out, try to include all the minority elements, such as a story about a black lesbian falling in love with a blind Asian chick who is, surprise – also transgender. If it doesn’t get nominated, just accuse the academy of discrimination and start a protest.
2 Deep Nonsense Script
A great movie keeps you thinking even when it’s over. The greatest movies keep you thinking too, but about what the hell you just watched. Vague monologue, strange metaphor, gazing by the window quietly while it rains, hard crying with muted screams – congratulations you just won an Oscar. If anyone criticizes your art say something like this: because a movie to life is like a dirty sock to a rainbow unicorn – as time goes by, flowers will turn into shit but our soul will fade into brightness.
3 Adaption from Real Events
Dallas Buyers Club, The Theory of Everything, The Danish Girl… Movies adapted from real people and events have their inexplicable charm – you admire the characters but you don’t want to be them; you secretly envy them, but also feel sorry for them. Develop a character with a combination of talents and flaws, then decorate him with great accomplishments and an unbridled sense of loneliness and a complete lack of self confidence. Here’s an example: ugly dude builds up his business from nothing, then gets accused of not donating enough money – The Story of Jack Ma.
4 Trying Too Hard Actors
To make a great movie you need great actors who are not afraid to be overly dramatic. In fact, a actor should be willing to do anything. People used to consider gaining weight for a movie as a great sacrifice, but the bar has been raised. Now you have to crawl on ice, eat raw fish, and get raped by a bear to be nominated. You know who I’m talking about, and God knows what he will do next year to win the award. Ruin his face? Burn his hair? Cut off his penis? Academy, please save this boy!