How to Pretend You Know US Elections

People talk about politics all the time to look smart and insightful, but sometimes they just look like arrogant assholes. If you hang out with Americans, you cannot avoid talking about the Election. This week Shameless is offering 5 quick-and-easy conversation starters about US Elections, so that your American political activist friend can shut up.

1. Ask How a Reality TV Star is Winning

Asking about Donald Trump is a great way to start a conversation. You may not know that his main political platform is to relocate the Great Wall to the Mexican border, but you can always joke about the dead animal he wears on his head, or his small penis. Also, tell your American friend that you are really excited about how Donald Trump will “make American great again”, so that the US can pay back China that trillion dollar debt.

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2. Ask Them if They Feel The Bern

A rival to the Republican Donald Trump is Bernie Sanders – a very old and frail looking hippie that wants to spread the values of Communism to the West – surely he is a friend of China. His supporters are American hipsters – young, white, men with beards and a college degree in Ancient History that are known as BernieBros. Recently BernieBros protested a rally for Donald Trump but dispersed when the organic kale salad bar ran out of nutritional yeast.

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3. Ask About the Electoral College

Unlike Chinese, Americans vote, and they are SO proud of it. However, citizens don’t directly vote for the president and instead vote through a complicated system called the Electoral College, which like all american colleges does not grant any practical degrees. Most Americans don’t know how the system works, so expect your friend to stare blankly back at you and then attempt a confusing response. Eventually they’ll scream “Every Vote Counts” and that’s your cue to toss up your Green Tea smile like you’re saying:“Does it really tho?”

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4. “Why are there no good 3rd Party Candidates?”

If your American friend is still talking at this point, throw this question at them. The answer is clear: except for racist Republicans and communist Democrats, most voters fall in the middle of the political spectrum but have no representative candidate. However, it’ll be too hard for your American friend to admit that the reason they have no representation is because most Americans would rather eat pizza and watch football than engage in politics. They will try to give you some bullshit answer, but don’t chase after them too hard – after all they’re just trying to save their white face.

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5. Finally, Demonstrate Your Opinions

After your American friend lectures you, it’s time to show them that you’ve understood their points and agreed with their opinions – “So Mike, it seems that you’re quite bothered by the ridiculous political debates and the nonchalance of the majority of your people. What if I told you there’s a political system that is simple to understand and easy to operate? What if I told you that you can have a President that comes from the people and speaks for the people? What if I told you that you’d never have to deal with all the idiots in the society holding opinions against you? Welcome onboard, Comrade Mike.”

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