Whenever we see a new friend request on WeChat, the first thing we do is to click on the profile picture, and judge the shit out of it. Your WeChat profile picture, or your profile picture in general, says a lot about you. Let’s get started.
In the good old days, we actually looked like ourselves in our selfies. But today you’re likely to be 50% uglier in person, if not more because your selfies are clearly perfectly angled, overly photoshopped, and carefully selected from well over 1000 similar shots. You may have tried to be creative about your selfies by using stickers, text overlay, and VSCO’s HB1 filter but it doesn’t change a thing about how basic you are, but at least you tried. Don’t even mention those idiots who take selfies in the bathroom — remember, flush your shit down first.
2. Landscape Photos
Others may look at your profile photo and think you’re a cool hipster, but in Shameless’ eyes I know how many 煎饼 you had to eat to save up for that DLSR. You carry 10kg equipment down to the sea and up the mountain, you eat instant noodles in your tent and feed wild mosquitos with your blood. You never give up, because taking photos has already become the meaning of travel, and no matter what you missed while fixing that camera you ain’t gonna have regrets. Because the few likes on WeChat, make all the struggle worth it, and the struggle is real.
3. Cartoon Characters
If you use Hello Kitty, Doraemon, or any characters from Sponge Bob as your profile picture, then we know you have one thing in common with these characters – nobody has seen your genitals. Behind that buff shirtless Gokū sits a nerdy computer game addict. Under the pretty face of Sailor Moon is a 30-year-old man with a cosplay fetish. You like to say that deep down you’re still a kid. Keep doing that, and you’ll never become a real adult.
4. Celebrity Photos
Stop wondering! There is no Scarlett Johansson or Ryan Gosling behind a stolen photo from Baidu. If you use celebrity photos as your profile, chances are that you’re insecure and want to hide your true appearance. There’s also the type of girls or gays who love to use photos of Korean OPPAs as their profile: they can’t stop claiming that their idol is their husband, and, even worse, with every new TV show, they get another divorce.
5. Professional Headshot
Good job on faking that sharp look in that cheap suit. There’s 99% chance that you work in private equity, startups, or real estate, and I bet 100 RMB that you randomly like people’s moments to cultivate the “customer relation”. You maintain this professional image on your social media, only because you’ve been treated like a nobody in your company and are desperate for some respect on the Internet. You like to express your supreme opinions in group chats to build “thought leadership”, but in reality people give more of a shit about funny stickers and 5RMB 红包.
Pet Photos – You hope a cute pet helps you get laid, but in reality it only sends you to the friend zone. You sterilize your pet, and they sterilize you.
Baby Photos – Everyone already knows you’re a mom. You don’t have to post 9 photos of your baby every day because, trust me, we can’t tell the difference between the pictures.
Plant/Flower Photos – “Oh Grandma! Welcome to the Era of Smartphones! The peony blossoms again? Nice! … Yes I’m still single and… you don’t have to say it again.”
Couple Photos – We all know you’re in love and getting laid 3x a day…so please, don’t rub it in our faces, especially on Valentines and 七夕.
Photos with Friends – You probably just got dumped and you wanna show your ex that you are fine. What you may not know is your ex is now jacking off to your friend in the photo. Oops.
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