No matter how hard you try, certain moments in life are always going to be awkward as fuck: prom night, the day you lose your virginity, and the first time you meet your in-laws. And if your in-laws are Chinese, one small misstep can grow into a bilateral crisis. So read this guide and learn the tactics needed to please your Chinese in-laws for the sake of world peace.
#1 Choose The Right Gift
Gift giving in China is an art form. You not only need to understand what they want as an individual, but also the culture of their province, and potentially even their city. A Shanghai mother-in-law may fall for a HERMES bag, but you’ll need a fur coat to win over your mother-in-law from Harbin. A practical father-in-law might enjoy it if you throw cash in his face, but a romantic father-in-law will expect you to wash his feet. Making the right call is certainly hard, but definitely not the most difficult of situations – let’s wait for the day that gay couples have become parents-in-laws and see how hard they are to deal with.
#2 Get Real Loud
Meeting your Chinese in-laws and their seemingly endless array of siblings is like going to a nightclub – there’s a lot of smoking, a lot of drinking, and all business is conducted at deafening levels. So in order to fit in, eat everything on your plate, drink everything in your cup, and yell at everyone in the room. It not only demonstrates your level of self-confidence, but also shows your passion for the relationship. You also get extra points for mastering the art of strategic clothing removal, so try walk around topless if necessary. Show your Chinese in-laws that this (likely white) man knows how to party. “One more baijiu shot?! Hell yeah!”
#3 Care For the Whole Family
Marrying a Chinese person is like marrying his/her whole family. You need to show your willingness to take care of everyone, regardless of how ridiculous his/her requests may sound. “Yes, uncle, I will practice English with your son after dinner, and no problem, auntie, just send me the list of cosmetics you need from the US! And you, random neighbor, I don’t know your name but you can definitely stay with my family next time you visit New York! You are not a psycho…I think?”
#4 Promise to Make Tons of Babies
If your Chinese in-laws have one weakness, it is that they get crazy about grandchildren. So in order to meet your Confucian obligations, promise your in-laws that you will bless your kids with their family name, speak only Chinese at home (extra points for dialect), and let them dress the kids the way they want, no matter how ridiculous it is. And yes, I’m talking about those pants with the ass showing. Also, don’t forget to mention that as a foreigner, you are not regulated by the one child policy, so you no longer have to kill baby girls in order to get them that coveted grandson. Oops.