The 5 Assholes You Meet at the Cinema

As much as I love sci-fi, I’ve been putting off watching the new Star Trek –not because of lens flares, but because of something far worse: the potential assholes I might run into at the theatre. If you are a frequent cinema-goer, it’s very likely that you’ve encountered at least one of these monsters. And if you haven’t, then, I’m sorry to say, chances are you’re one of them. Now let the purge begin.

#1  The Eater

Imagine this. You’re watching a movie like 1942, in which everyone is dying from a famine, but the entire theatre smells like McDonald’s. Who’s to blame? The eaters. No matter if it’s a bag of chips, a 12” sub, or jianbing guozi, they somehow manage to sneak it in. They also own a master’s degree in making noises at the most inopportune moments. “I see dead people.” Crunch. “Houston, we have a problem!” Crunch. “Luke, I am your father!” Crunch, crunch, crunch. As the plot gets twisted and the mystery emerges, you’re not wondering who killed the milfy next door neighbor. Instead, your mind is screaming, “What the hell is that man eating?!? It smells so damn good!”

#2  The Late Comer

Personally I don’t get these people. Not only do they miss the beginning of the film, but they also miss the best part – the 5 minutes of free commercials. Look at billionaire actors telling you about some 200k cars they don’t give a shit about. Look at skinny models pretending to run a 10K, as if they would totally do that after a long day of OT. Or look at fabulous stars selling you cosmetics as if a 200 kuai face cream – and not plastic surgery – was the secret to their beauty. And don’t get me started about the ones that walk in front of the screen. I mean, for fuck’s sake. Some of us are recording this shit. Those DVDs you buy in Sanlitun aren’t going to make themselves.

#3  The Chatterbox

This is easily the most common offense, and it’s always because of some fucking couple. The girl is always trying to be cute and naive by asking retarded questions, such as “Who is that guy?”, “What just happened?”, and “Why would he ever do that?”.  Then it’s time for the guy to be Mr. Know-It-All, providing basic anecdotes he just learnt from Baidu like he’s some hot-shit expert. What’s worse, they also like to cuddle whenever there’s a scary scene, and make weirdly sexual noises that make all of us uncomfortable. Please, just go and get a blowjob in the back row like a normal couple, and put your mouth to productive use.

#4  The Phone Flasher

Here’s the millennial who can’t even leave his/her phone alone for ten seconds, yet alone two hours. Before the movie, they are busy taking selfies with their 3D glasses, and once the movie starts they constantly check to see how many likes they’ve received. Their phone keeps buzzing like they’re in charge of a multi-million dollar business, but in reality it’s just a new Grindr message. (No offense to those who do business on Grindr – I know it can be pretty lucrative, too.) And God forbid if they get a phone call. “Oh hey Xiao Li, long time no see! Nothing, I’m just watching a film. Oh no worries I can chat!” Where’s that killer from Saw when you need him?

#5  The Critic

Have you ever watched a boring ass film in theatres that’s also artsy as fuck? When it’s finally over, you just can’t wait to shit on it with your friends. But right when you’re about to complain, you overhear the critics behind you. “Oh my God, did you catch that montage? It’s so New Wave. Jean-Luc Godard did something similar in the 60s.” “Right? Totally fascinating. And that dialogue? It’s derived from the deconstructionists. However I do feel as if the actors need to punch out more.” Cool bro, let me guess, you must be a celebrity on Douban, and your “About Me” section has a quote from Jean-Paul Sartre. He once said “Hell is other people.” And I’m pretty sure he was talking about you.

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