You may have read our previous article, “Basic Bitch vs. Green Tea Bitch” (click “Read more” to check it out), in which we took aim at to two stereotypical species of female. Today, however, we are setting our crosshairs on the opposite sex. Let’s meet the basic bro, and the popular Chinese stereotype – the straight cancer guy!
A basic bro is an exceedingly ordinary male defined by his choice of clothing, hobbies, lifestyle, and ladies. He refuses to be called out as basic, because in his world, that term only applies to “bitches”. He also hates hipsters.
STRAIGHT CANCER GUY
A “straight cancer guy” is the ultimate Chinese alpha bro. The name comes from a metaphor of his straightness which has developed into cancer. He likes to do anything that makes him more “manly”. He also hates gays and feminists.
The basic bro’s wardrobe is strict and regimented: 4 V-neck tees in different colors, 5 similar looking J-crew button-downs, an NBA jersey featuring a player from the 90s, and two baseball hats which are only to be worn slightly sideways or backwards. He also has at least 5 pairs of shoes, each named according to its unique purpose: the everyday sneakers, the nice dress shoes, the gym shoes, and the dive bar shoes, which are almost invariably a super beat up pair of Sperry’s.
The straight cancer guy’s appearance can be very diverse. On any given day, he could be wearing a polo (with its collar popped), a see-through silk shirt, or a fur jacket made of a once-living animal. The only consistent element is his weird confidence, which, in his mind, ties every outfit together. The key to telling a straight cancer guy from the infamous “Eurodouche” (not covered here) lies in details, such as a gold watch or wooden bead bracelets he’s wearing. Also, don’t be afraid to trust your nose — unlike the Eurodouche, who smells an Abercrombie and Fitch salesman, the straight cancer guy never wears deodorant or cologne, because the only thing he needs is his sweaty man scent.
The basic bro can be easily identified in various social situations thanks to his propensity for the word “epic”, as well as his endless desire to tell everyone how much he loves Manchester United. He calls his friends “bros”, “lads”, or “buddies”, and he can’t stop bragging about this one weekend five years ago, when he got so drunk that he started a fight, got arrested, and/or fucked multiple chicks – or in his words, “bitches”.
The straight cancer guy, while similar to his basic counterpart, is distinguished by a unique ability (some might even call it a super power) to turn every single conversation into a chance to judge women. “Oh you got a promotion? That’s great, but a girl like you should never have to work.” “Nice apartment! Rent must be pretty high. Why don’t you find a man and have him buy it for you?” “Happy birthday! You’re like…28, right? Don’t you think you should be having babies soon?”
When a basic bro is on the hunt, he is very likely to drop some overly used pick up lines before trying out a few tricks he likely learned from a back issue of GQ. And that’s just the bravest of the bunch. The others are generally too scared to make a move, choosing to instead spend the night giving every girl at the bar a point total rather than actually talking to any of them.
A straight cancer guy, however, never goes on the prowl, because in his world, he is already God’s gift to women. As he sees it, any girl who chooses to talk to him must already be interested, and no matter what she says, he hears it as an offer for sex. And when he inevitably realizes the truth, he’ll go on about how it’s the woman’s fault, and how it doesn’t matter anyway because she didn’t have tits, a booty, or an eye for a good man.
Hmm. This has actually never been documented, as neither has been known to score. But if the above is any indication, each of these species likely sucks at it.
Thanks for reading!