Tinder, Tinder, Tinder – an amazing invention that allows you to people watch without even having to put on pants. In fact, with just a little bit of effort, you can get anything you want – love, sex, and hilarious screenshots. But before you dive in, you’ll need to know what you are dealing with. Today, Shameless is here to give you an introduction to the lovely ladies on Chinese Tinder, and ensure that your next swipe leads to getting laid, and not a horrible disaster. So let’s fire up that VPN and get to it.
#1 The Basic Bitches
Typically, this is a girl who has studied abroad and has since returned home totally whitewashed. Her profile includes one photo taken at an EDM event, one of her chilling on a beach in her bikini, and one of her doing boxing, pole dancing, crossfit, or Space Cycling. Her description also invariably includes a pun-driven joke. In other words, she’s positioning herself as the full package: hot, fun, and flexible enough for crazy sex. However, in reality, she’s just trying to trap someone for a green card before her beauty expires. So have fun, but remember to get the fuck out before she goes crazy.
#2 The Chinese Yoko Onos
The Chinese Yoko Ono is that artsy Chinese chick that never shows her entire face. Her photos are always shot from the side, behind, or from far, far away, and if she is brave enough to post a frontal portrait, you’ll find half of her face cropped out or covered by an artsy object (a vase, a vinyl record, or some other random shit). She’s also likely to have short hair, wear a choker, DJ occasionally, and have at least one tattoo. Her description box is where she shows off her various hobbies – photography, documentary, and experimental music, the more underground, the better. There’s also a link to her Instagram, personal blog, and/or SoundCloud. She’s pretty much looking for followers rather than dates, but if you do manage to score, be prepared for some really kinky sex.
#3 The Cute Locals
Unlike the basic bitches that have chosen to become “Ashley” or “Candice”, the Cute Locals still go with their Chinese names, such as Tingting or Weiwei. Their photos are filled with selfies of all kinds, but mostly feature food, books, and cute animals. They like to use quotes in their descriptions, because that’s the only way to hide their broken English. New to the Tinder scene, they actually read everyone’s profile and still believe that they’ll find their Mr. Right. They’ll also often initiate the conversation, and are very likely to laugh at a stupid pick up line, if only because they’ve never heard of any before.
#4 The Desperate White Chicks
Here come the desperate white chicks, a group facing the worst dating dilemma in China – local men are too afraid to approach them, while men of their own race are too busy sampling the local flavor to pay them any mind. Long lasting disappointment has made them masters of sarcasm, and they use their mean, evil, and resentful conversation skills to scare away any and all
potential douchebags. Sometimes you wonder if they are only on Tinder to crush your self-esteem, while in fact, they are actually driven by their own desperation, which only worsens with each failed encounter. They may claim to be “looking for new friends in the city”, but trust me, they are dying for something much more.
#5 The Sexy Mystics
You’ve definitely seen these girls – red lips, fake lashes, and huge boobs, posing on their beds or in front of their bathroom mirrors. But that’s all the information you’re given; after inspecting all six photos you still have absolutely no idea what they do for a living or what they like to do in their free time. All you know is that you have a hard-on, an increased heart rate, and an irrepressible urge to keep swiping right. That’s cool, bro. Who cares if they might be prostitutes, or even “Tinderbots”, right? Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
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